Hex His Ass.

The D-Train #5

I’m not a religious person. Hell, I’m not even a spiritual person, whatever that means. For my entire adult life I have looked at anything new age-y or faith-based as nothing more than a bunch of goddamned Mumbo Jumbo. I’m never going to be someone who goes to church or prays or meditates or worries about “the state of my soul” (wait, soul? What’s that you say?). And as for the afterlife? Let’s just say I’m a potty-mouthed old lady who is firmly on Team Mushroom Suit, and I think we can leave it at that. 

But this year, something happened. Something changed within me. And a few months into my divorce, I suddenly found some Mumbo Jumbo I could actually get behind. Witchcraft, bitches. Divination. Spells. MAGIC. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but I am consuming that shit right now like it’s my job. I am pretty undeniably middle aged at this point (just ask my boobs!), and I feel like it’s slowly dawning on me that the correct way to approach the second half of your life is to Stevie Nicks the shit out of yourself. So sit back, get yourself comfy in your caftan and a couple of layers of gauzy scarves, pour yourself a big ol’ goblet of wine, and get ready to hear the tale of all the crazy, occult-ish shit I’ve delved into this year. 

*sidenote: When I started this newsletter I didn’t necessarily intend to be so service-y, but if it helps anyone out there to straight up put a spell on your ex-husband, YOU GO AHEAD AND PUT A SPELL ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER. 


So the first thing I did was I got a tarot card reading from an Internet Friend who I’ve never even met in real life and who lives nowhere near me. Normally I would be like, ok, sure, this lady is going to look at a deck of playing cards from 800 miles away and, what, like, think about me? A person she has never met, who lives in another state, and, I guess, channel my state of higher being? It’s absurdity! It’s ridiculousness! It’s hocus pocus garbage! And yet, holy shit, that first tarot card reading seriously slaughtered me with its clarity. I know absolutely nothing about tarot cards, but just look at this spread she pulled for me? I am a goddamned suffering queen, I tell you! Tied up. Stabbed in the heart. Suffering. But still a queen. GIVE ME ALL THE TAROT CARDSSSSS

(Shout out to Queen of Wands Intuitive Tarot. Get a reading! Listen to Jessica!).

My super weird and also lovable friends only stoked the fire of my newfound witchiness. A month or two after my ex announced he was leaving me, some awesomely insane gifts started arriving from my friends.

So now, I guess, I’m a woman who keeps a selection of magical rocks in a little tray on her dresser? I sage my house? I cleanse my aura with charcoal or something like that? I read a daily Goddess On The Go inspirational message? I spritz some little purifying spray around the house after my ex has been there? Honestly, I have no idea who I am anymore, but, like, do I look like I care? Honestly, my cat is fine with it so what else matters?

My friend (who I shall not name in case she doesn’t want the general public to know what a batty old woman she truly is) sent me this little jar full of this magical powder stuff. The instructions were to pour some out in the footsteps of someone who you want to leave and not return. It also said that I could sprinkle some around the perimeter of my house to keep everyone safe inside, like a little magical fence. I’m summarizing because honestly I have no idea what I’m talking about here, but let it be known that I sprinkled that magic dust all over my ex’s footsteps as he walked out of the house one morning. I put my kids inside, and I sprinkled it in a circle around my house while I muttered an incantation of protection. The neighbors keep their distance now, but I think it was probably worth it. I spritzed my magic spray behind him at every opportunity. I saged my house. I stroked my magic rocks and imagined all the ways in which my life is going to be better without him. I sent vibes out into the universe. I offered up all the magic in my hardened little heart, and you know what? I am waiting to see what the goddamned universe does with it. 

After my first tarot reading which Jessica described as, ha ha, “not a gentle spread,” she pulled one more card, for clarification. I got The Fool.

She told me “The Fool is the first card in the Major Arcana. He is an absolute beginner. He isn’t even One. He’s Zero. The Fool knows nothing. He’s done nothing. He is capable of anything and ready for everything.”

I don’t know where I’m going, or what I’m doing, or what’s going to happen with my life, but this fool is ready to believe. 

Read This.

It’s Witch Week up in here, so I wrote a thing for the Evil Witches newsletter.You should read it and also you should subscribe. Witches for Life.

Listen To This.

There was absolutely no way I was going to put any song other than Landslide at the end of this newsletter. Sorry, Captain Obvious here, but whatever. 

Tell Me Something Good.

Send me your spells! TheDTrainNewsletter@gmail.com.

(One Last Thing).

Team Mushroom Suit. 


Amy Blair

read the full archive here